I have never cried so much in my life

Ok, so I have been an emotional disaster, that is according to my mother, sister, husband and owner of our adoption agency. "You need to get a hold of your emotions" to put it bluntly.  Then I ask, if you were pregnant for 26 months don't you think you might be a little on edge.  This is not the reason for this post, just a little background to the story.  I might admit that yes, I have down right sobbed almost everyday for the last 2 weeks. In front of my children, husband and anyone close to me. Unstable no, mad at being sad all the time uh-huh. Angry at the longing emotion coming in all the times when I should be the most happy.   Looking at Charlotte and Lucy and thinking I was most definetly missing one of my ducklings.  Yes, I admit, I was sad.

Was being the keyword.  Today, this morning, well at 10:41 to be exact, I got THE CALL.  We have passed court.  We can check number 13 of 19 off the list.  This trecherous step took us 7 months, and me straight to forehead wrinkles.   We have Guardianship!

The phone call was surreal. Interupted by my throat closing, and my imediately wet cheeks disfunctioning my "smart phone" screen.

Some things I want to remember:
-The first line, from my agency, "be prepared to be very excited"
-another line, "I know Erica, you guys have really been put through a wait"  (thank you for acknowledging that finally)
-Charlotte came into the office and weasled into my lap, responding to my sobs and cuddling me so dearly, although not alarmed because mom had been crying off and on for days.
-Charlotte cries for Neha in the night, well actually now all the time, especially when she gets into trouble(this is apparently my fault for projecting my sadness onto her)
-Lucy hand wrote signs for her and her sister Neha with arrows pointing to their beds and including corresponding ages.
-I am happy and honored to be this amazing persons mother
- I know there will be issues, language, attachment, 3 girl jealousy, major hair envy (this is my own prophesy based on Charlottes hair quality and Nehas hair inheretance).
-whatever.... I am ready to mother my daughter, the one of my herd that has been missing.  I am ready to protect her as a mother and father can.  That one desire is what has been ailing me, my child being indefinetly out of my protection was eating me alive.  I am ready to put all sadness behind and do it.  Whatever that may be, I am ready to feel complete.

Neha sweetie, what does your voice sound like?  Are you a crazy sleeper?  Are you thoughtful and pensive like Lucy, or reckless and UN-inhibited like Charlotte?  Are you neither? What will you become when you grow up?  How do you smell?  These little things keep me up at night, these little things I am closer to finding out.  I am so thankful for that.  These tears are far from over, it is just now that they are happy.
~erica