I'm starting to think I will only know my daughter in pictures. I am so taken by her, every little glance I get; I truly believe she is the most beautiful child I have ever seen. Neha is now 4 and 2 months. We thought we would know her when she was 3. Now we just pray to have some time with her while she is still 4. And the thoughts come crashing in...... 4, well she is supposed to start kindergarten in 1 year. She no longer needs a car seat but a booster. She should be starting to recognize letters and some words, but in which language? And has she even seen books with written words. In English or in Hindi? What else am I missing..... Her! Sooo much!
I have tried yet again to set the universe in action. I have enrolled my "not so little" Charlotte in preschool. I really feel like the thought of that was holding things up. I don’t want Charlotte to feel like Neha arrives and then she is whisked off to school at the fault of her newly arrived sister. I wanted Charlotte to be secure in her school and the separation from me way before her bigger sister shows up. I want to be able to have my special time with Neha and no other child for a few days a week just like I had with my 2 other girls when they were new to us (newborns but also new to the family). I think this might be it. My catapult into Guardianship. What the heck else am I supposed to do but believe in every step, think one thing leads to another? Be mentally assured that soon, this terrible treacherous wait will be over. Hope that someday, this perpetual pregnancy that no one can see or feel will end and I will have my child safe a warm in Her bed under our roof. I find myself so irritated that this bugs me, that I wake up with an ailment everyday. That I am sad so many times that I should be happy. I am not a depressed person. I am self sufficient, positive, and overall pretty darn happy. This adoption is exhausting me, dumping me in a deep pool to tread water for years.... I am not to sure I can swim any longer. I woke up yesterday thinking I might just go and steal my daughter. We need her, she needs us, and India's Festivals, Holidays, and overall bureaucracy is keeping us apart. I am starting to lose massive amounts of respect and admiration for the Indian Culture and way of life. It feels as if they are holding my child hostage, and I am starting to really get pisssed off!
Dear Neha, stay happy, keep smiling. Your strength and soul get me through. I want to know you so bad. Charlotte (2 and a half) cries for you in the night. She embraces me in the morning asking for you, she wants to know how you got there, and can we "go pick you up”. We are yearning for you in our family. We think of you everyday at least 10 times. I am ready for you to be home.
Erica, I know just how you feel. It is so infuriating! I was so very angry by the time we got to travel. This adoption will wear on you, pull you down, make you so sad, cultivate a longing in you you didn't think was possible..And then you will see her face in person, hold her little body, stroke her sweet head, and all that pain will melt away. Because you will be with her for the rest of your life. Don't give up, don't let it drag you too far down, keep fighting!! It will happen Erica, and when it does, it will be just right. We are praying for you. Love, Emily
ReplyDeleteHi. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm waiting, and waiting, and waiting. And wishing, and praying. I hope it starts moving quickly soon, for all of us. :)
ReplyDeleteI hear the pain in your writing and have felt it during my own journey too. It is terrible, agonizing and so out of your control. Please find some comfort in knowing that others (we blog stalkers) think of you often and join forces through prayer that your child will come home soon. She is darling BTW. Please don't lose faith in the system. She will come home and the missed milestones that mark time now, will become insignificant. I know that that may seem hard to believe, but it is true.
ReplyDeleteAll the best, Julie