It's funny how a blog is meant to honor your children, your family, and record your trials and all the tribulations... Yes it does serve the author that way and in some ways assist others dealing with similar situations. However, it also serves as a venting point when you feel like you have to tell someone, anyone your dirty secrets, your guilty moments, your internal failures. Blogging allows confessions, defeats, and victories all in the same way. Almost an anonymous way. The way you wish you could just tell people, but know you must only write down so that the reader has full attention to digest your words before totally judging you. Maybe even time to consider what they would do before just thinking you suck as a mother...
It has been a full year that Neha has been with us, and I realize that as time went on I didn't need to talk myself through things on a blog. I had to just figure it the f*#% out.. We were failing, stumbling with just the simplest things.
Getting ready in the morning, following steps A to get to D ...
Without backtracking and ending up at Z no less
Recognizing wrong doing, having remorse.
Calming body motions in order to focus, listen, or even eat a meal.
Being present in conversations, rather than avoiding eye contact, cowering, scowling, or Fidgeting ... Responding to requests, compliments, flattery etc
Respecting others things, asking to touch (knowing not to destroy)
It was and has kicked our butts.....
BUT...... We are on the upswing baby, and I'm high five'in myself , my husband and my daughters for all getting their hands dirty to get this figured out. We have been on cloud 9 with Neha for almost 3 solid months now, and watch out she is truly something special.
We know we love each other, we know we are ten times better than we were a year ago just because of the strength and bravery of our Neha, however, that doesn't mean that days are seem less, easy or even really fun.
It wasn't until I was reunited with a high school acquaintance this last weekend that I was able to finally admit to myself that adoption just isn't easy, but being a parent isn't no matter how you build it. The self reflection needed and involved in raising a child that you didn't propagate is unnatural. We made the choice and commitment 4 years ago this month to our Neha to fight for her to be ours. To make it natural, to make our family better, wiser, more compassionate, educated and empowered we need Neha. It is work, but we see the peace in her face now more than the trama. We see kind helpful actions occurring without ever being asked. We see a big sister that has grown into her place rather than being run over by responsibilities. We see and embrace a special newly earned love with our newest middle daughter, and we are thrilled. Thank you Neha for standing up for yourself (finally) , Recognizing your worth and "being proud, and being care of things" ! We knew you could do it! (and I think that has been the hardest part)
So please behold our newest blossoming daughter in all her glory... Of course joined by her sisters